…still I am ‘me’…& He is still He.

I’m tired of being sick.
I mean, I don’t have time for this.
Mom’s are not supposed to get sick, you know?
Too much to do. Too many to care for.
No time for this.
No time for bed, sleep, rest, recovery.
But, nobody asked me.
Apparently God thought I had time for this.
Apparently He thought the world would keep turning (& it did) while I spent the day in bed.

I watched, and counted, the tasks undone.
Now I’m a few days behind. Monday was not laundry day or errand day, it’s Tuesday and there’s too much to do. It can’t all be done, but He knows that, He allows for that. Can’t do it all, my limits You’ve set – what next, Lord?

It’s a strange thing, the lying in bed. Unable to do! It’s driving me crazy. I’m a doer, but He says, “not today; you’re not today.” And I lie in bed. And still He loves me. Still I am ‘me’; not ‘doing’, but ‘me’…

I think of the sick, the invalid. What a difficult life. Is there beauty here? Meaning and purpose on sick days and well? I know that there is. The Lord ordains them each as He wills.

And the kids, they still call me ‘Mama’ though I’m not passing out toothbrushes and paintbrushes and lunch. They still love me, here in this bed. I feel useless. No important, capable ‘Mama’ here…just quiet and tired, thoughtful, in bed.

Still I am theirs, and they are mine. I love them, I see them, though my hands can’t do the work today. And I thank the Lord for helping me see, the world still turns while I lie in bed. It’s in His hands, and so are they. I feel afresh my frailty, my need for God, and feel afresh His joy in me – not just my work, but me. Maybe I am sick today because he wanted more time with me and when I am well I am so busy?

There is a gift in this misery. I’m really bad at being sick. But, it seems that when I can’t ‘do’ still I am ‘me’…& He is still He.


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