Motherhood would be cool if it was all picnics and zoo trips and choosing the cutest, hugest bows for fuzzy heads.
There’s a lot of that and I love it.
Even better, motherhood is kind of like having your own little circle of disciples in your home. I love that and I’m learning how to make the most of it.
But – the part that is really hard for me right now – is how utterly exhausting the every day is.
And I should preface that. This week (and the past several) has been particularly murderous. We moved, my husband has been under a lot of stress with big events and week-long trips for work, I have a jerk of a cold and I’m 5 months pregnant and feeling the tiredness and struggle for good sleep that comes with that. One of our babies is going through a difficult time of nightmares/fears that pop out of nowhere and keep us all awake at 1 am, 3 am, etc. I keep longing for a “normal week” and am starting to feel as if it more and more a myth than anything. So I’m extra tired.
But I think the hardest things about motherhood (for me, right now) are these:
1) Many tasks must be repeated. Every day. Twice a day. More sometimes…for a goal-oriented person like me it’s hard to go through a day without seeing a lot of tangible “progress”…a lot of the things I do everyday don’t carry a sweet feeling of satisfaction and completion at the end. For example? My two toddlers and husband want to eat three times a day, and there’s clean up for that every time. About as soon as things are cleaned up, it’s time to start preparations for the next thing. This is, for whatever reason, kind of emotionally wearing. It’s never *done*…same with laundry, cleaning, bath time! Ha. 🙂 I have to accept that this is not a problem. It’s the way life is, the way God intends it to be. I know it’s refining me in some of the deep places of my heart. Every time I choose to just do the work as unto the Lord, with love toward my family and not resentment, I think God is glorified. I am trusting that there are results, and I’m trying to look to the unseen, those things which are eternal but not readily apparent here and now.
And you, to-do-list that I have not touched this week? Keep mocking me. I’ll cut you.
2) The hours are long. Every day is a 12 hour day. A lot are longer. Weekends off? Non-existent. Of course there’s no other way that I would have it, and I am so super privileged to be working in my home and with my family so much. But it can feel really hard sometimes. And? It’s really hard to “call it quits” for the night when afore-mentioned to-do-list is still undone. Lately I’ve been going to bed discouraged and broken over what’s still needing to be done or what fun craft or activity I wish I had been able to do with the kids rather than being thankful for what God has helped me to accomplish, and the sweet moments I did had with my babies. As my 3-year old would say, “That kind of hurts my feelings.” 🙂
So why do I write all this?
Somehow it helps to give my frustrations a name – to rationalize them and say “these are real, and they’re hard” and to think and pray and fight through them.
Maybe it will encourage you if you struggle with the same things, to know you’re definitely not the only one.
And hopefully, in a few weeks or months or years I can look back and read over this and thank God for growing me up and helping me learn to manage these hard things well.
In the mean time, I’ll be here sweeping under the toddler’s chair after every meal and snack, fighting a losing battle of laundry, breaking up toddler squabbles and praying that God will help me to accomplish exactly what He intends for me to each day – nothing more, nothing less.
Believing that we’re “getting somewhere”! ❤