on the peace of coming to decision

This past week/weekend we had a big decision to make. We talked with some friends and family about it, and also requested prayer from our Facebook friends. It was regarding whether or not I should register for May graduation (taking 4 classes in the spring), or delay till next December (taking 2 classes in the spring, and 2 in the fall).

If you know me and/or have followed my blog for very long, you know that this feels to me like the most unending sad saga (at least ever since our first baby was born – see turmoil&tears, Some Big News). I’ve been constantly torn between finishing my degree here at MBTS, and also wanting to be entirely committed to being a stay at home wife and mother. Both have been God-ordained in my life, though one necessarily (& entirely, whole-heartedly!) having priority over the other.

Thus far I have continued taking classes, but at a part-time pace, basing my course load on our family’s needs and other commitments each semester. It’s been really hard. It’s also been really good.

Last August I really felt like I could not stomach more than one more year in school. I’m too old for this, I’m sick of this, I’m not a college kid anymore! I thought. But getting through till May? Doable enough.

This semester has been brutal though. And not just on me – on our entire household.

So, while part of me would have been really excited to apply for graduation in May, I also know that my neck and shoulders tighten just at the thought of the course load. I felt tense and angry and like my family needed to ‘just get out of the way’ for me to finish in a semester. And a friend reminded me that – “better to go slower and actually learn the material than rush through it…I have regret of not actually learning some of the material when I was in the classes. I just regurgitated it to pass and graduate. Focus on family and Truth.” Suddenly I remembered the whole purpose of my being in school: to learn more about God and life serving Him. I felt peace knowing that my pursuit is not just ‘the degree,’ but learning, and caring for my family in the mean time.

Surrendering to this (it was something of a surrender, though really it turned out to be a joyful one) brought a rush of peace, because I knew my husband was stressed about the semester, though willing to bear up under it if I was insistent upon finishing (though he has an evening class and a trip to Africa and travel for work! yikes!). I knew that my being ‘okay’ with December graduation would be relieving to him. We also found out that my 2 remaining courses are available online, so if we need to move before I graduate, I will still be able to finish.

I’m thankful for God answering our prayers and giving us peace and confirmation about this decision. It seems so obvious now, and I’m so happy about December graduation. Who cares if it has taken me 5 1/2 years to finish? I suppose some prideful part of me wishes that it was over…and I would really love to have my schedule freed up. But I am also so grateful for the opportunity to learn God’s word, and I enjoy the time away from my home and kids to have some ‘grown-up study time’ (so long as it is pretty short!).

I am overwhelmingly happy to be able to look forward to this semester – not just hold my breath and push through! We want to live abundantly, not stressed and angry and too busy for relationships, church, etc! I’m thrilled to not have to feel guilty about not spending enough time with each of my children, or for giving them only the ‘left-overs’ of my time and priorities. I’m thrilled to be able to help my husband and support him in his endeavors, and not just demand that he assist me in mine (though they’re all ‘ours’, right?). It’s nice to look forward to the upcoming semester rather than utterly dreading it.

🙂

God is so good. Thank you to all of you who prayed for us as we worked through making this decision!

❤ jc

“tomorrow’s freedom is today’s surrender…” {all sons & daughters}

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7 thoughts on “on the peace of coming to decision

  1. Happy for you Jordan. So very glad you have peace and can enjoy learning and your beautiful family at the same time 🙂

  2. Pingback: on graduating | jordan cristine | a day in the life

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