Walking & Stumbling

I cried with him.

Not because I thought his fall was so devastating. He had just walked a near-record 16 steps and then stumbled over a too-long pant leg. I could see him choke back a sob or two, consider getting up, and then let his face fall flat into the carpet, defeated and crying.

I was proud of his walking but cried with him because it was a perfect little microcosm picture of my own life. I know what it’s like to be afraid to take those steps because you have a feeling you could fall at some point along the way. My suspicion is that he has waited so long to walk (not that 13 months is really so long, but it is when you’ve seen him capable for months more) because he doesn’t like falling. I’ve seen it written on his face as he walks easily, so long as some piece of furniture is in his reach in case he needs support. We beckon him out, onto his own feet, towards our arms, and a smile flickers across his face, but he’s not confident yet. His legs are strong and his balance is decent enough to try, but his mind is not made up that falling is okay, even necessary.

In the last weeks and days he has advanced so much. It’s unbelievable how a child goes from a crawler/furniture cruiser to an able walker in just a matter of a few successful ventures out away from their ‘safe zone’. But today his fear materialized, and he stumbled. And such a fall, so near to nap time, was too much for his little spirit that was trying to be brave.

And here I am, bawling over it! Ha ha…:) God showed me in that little moment how I must appear before Him. I resist following Him when He calls me higher and deeper because I am afraid to fall. But falling is so okay. It’s part of learning to walk and follow Him. I was so proud of my little Hudson trying to walk, and was not surprised or upset that he fell. I know too that God’s grace extends to me and He will lovingly be there to pick me up when I fall as I timidly step out into the unknown, following Him. So often I bury my head and cry, like little Hudson, but I hope I will not be so discouraged that I don’t also celebrate the ’16 steps’ I just took and count it a victory.

I’m so thankful for God’s grace all over my broken life.

And I’m thankful for the grace to try once again.

❤ jc

“…for the righteous falls seven times and rises again…” {Proverbs 24:16}

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