I’d rather be outside – enjoying the perfect weather and changing colors, photographing brilliant leaves in the last hours of daylight.
I’d rather be working out – sweating away the stress of the day.
I’d rather be playing with my children and unwinding with my love.
But I’m here. Freezing at a coffee shop. Working on homework. Trying to give a rip. Praying that God would help me. Asking Him again and again if it’s worth it.
Nels reminded me today that I only have 6 more months. Sometimes I think that graduation day will be such a joyous occasion. Other times I wonder if all the stressful days, the countless times when I’m biting back my angry tongue, the hours away from my children, my focus on my own work rather than my husbands’, the huge sacrifices that have resulted in chaos and minimal homemaking efforts on my part, my own chronic stress and tension – I wonder if it’s all worth it.
I have very little joy in accomplishments lately. There is no satisfaction, because my ‘to-do list’ seems forever, endlessly long. We’ve back-pedalled involvement in our church, with our friends, etc. We had a super emotional last week and I feel like every thing in the world matters more than my schoolwork, and I resent the way it occupies my thoughts so much.
I’m not one of those people who believes that “God will never give you more than you can handle.” I don’t see it in the Bible at all, and I don’t see it in real life at all. Right now all I know is that I am absolutely failing (by my own standards at least) in most areas and if I am supposed to be learning that I am finite, I think we can all consider that lesson learned.
I have (mostly) enjoyed my education up to this point. Maybe I just have a horrible case of senior-itis …but I’m pretty angry about life right now.
I pray that God will make it worth it all. I pray that he will hold me together until it’s all finished (and after!)…and keep my family afloat too.
Who knows, maybe in a few months I’ll look back and be thankful for this time…it is humbling, to say the least. But it’s miserable too.