a rant.

I’d rather be outside – enjoying the perfect weather and changing colors, photographing brilliant leaves in the last hours of daylight.

I’d rather be working out – sweating away the stress of the day.

I’d rather be playing with my children and unwinding with my love.

But I’m here. Freezing at a coffee shop. Working on homework. Trying to give a rip. Praying that God would help me. Asking Him again and again if it’s worth it.

Nels reminded me today that I only have 6 more months. Sometimes I think that graduation day will be such a joyous occasion. Other times I wonder if all the stressful days, the countless times when I’m biting back my angry tongue, the hours away from my children, my focus on my own work rather than my husbands’, the huge sacrifices that have resulted in chaos and minimal homemaking efforts on my part, my own chronic stress and tension – I wonder if it’s all worth it.

I have very little joy in accomplishments lately. There is no satisfaction, because my ‘to-do list’ seems forever, endlessly long. We’ve back-pedalled involvement in our church, with our friends, etc. We had a super emotional last week and I feel like every thing in the world matters more than my schoolwork, and I resent the way it occupies my thoughts so much.

I’m not one of those people who believes that “God will never give you more than you can handle.” I don’t see it in the Bible at all, and I don’t see it in real life at all. Right now all I know is that I am absolutely failing (by my own standards at least) in most areas and if I am supposed to be learning that I am finite, I think we can all consider that lesson learned.

I have (mostly) enjoyed my education up to this point. Maybe I just have a horrible case of senior-itis …but I’m pretty angry about life right now.

I pray that God will make it worth it all. I pray that he will hold me together until it’s all finished (and after!)…and keep my family afloat too.

Who knows, maybe in a few months I’ll look back and be thankful for this time…it is humbling, to say the least. But it’s miserable too.

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4 thoughts on “a rant.

  1. I had to log in and leave a comment on this post. I agree WHOLE-heartedly with you. There is no where in the Bible that God says or promises that He won’t give you more than you can handle. In fact, for His children, he promises the opposite! That we, in and of ourselves CANNOT handle it! That’s why we need HIM! You are a wise woman at your young age to recognize that! Praise the Lord! Praise Him that you DO have too much to handle, organize, maintain and such. You will find, as you look back on these years that He was there all along. That he allowed you to follow your dreams right into His arms! Oh Jordan…this is so good!! Yes, He WILL give you the strength you need. An education is good. And the best part is that you’ve already learned that your best and most content place is in your home, serving the Lord by loving and being the best helpmeet to Nels…and the best mama to the beautiful babies God blesses you both with. That is where He wants our hearts to be fulfilled. Other things aren’t bad, in and of themselves, but our hearts are full when we are first doing what our Lord has created for us to do. {and I’m not ranting on about mom’s not being in God’s will if they attend school, have a job, etc.} He has called each of us to glorify HIM wherever we are at. You are doing it well sweet girl. Press on. A new season of life is about to bloom! : ) Love you.

    • thank you so much miss cheryl! i am so thrilled that one person understands. your words are right on and so encouraging. i thought after writing this…’if anyone reads this they’ll just think i’m complaining’ but i feel like you are getting to the heart of the matter – needing to lean on Jesus. ❤

  2. So wish I could lend a hand…Cheryl does have great insights and wisdom. Do know that there will be one great graduation party ahead!…..Can’t imagine all your “to do” list has on it….but be kind to yourself as you’re such a perfectionist. I know that you know He gives us grace and love beyond our accomplishments. I remember thinking (as I got my degree) that some of the classes seemed of so little use; that I was merely paying for this education and who knows if I will ever use it. Guess what…I would not even have the job I have now if I did not have it. In nursing they always told us that we would learn as much or more on the floor than in our classes. Kinda scary isn’t it. You are such a good mom, wife and child of the King that the classes probly seem useless at times. I guess I can’t lend a hand but do know I will keep you in my prayers that you will not feel so overwhelmed and will practice eating that elephant one bite at a time. Grandma Edith would always remind me that this too will pass….she was right. Loving you. Gma Kris

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