Last night we were up at 1 and 2 and 4:30 a.m. with little Hudson who was sick.
Its a terrifying thing to wake up to your child’s screams.
He seems to be feeling better now. His fever is down, he’s playing normally. But there were a few moments in darkest hours of the night when I felt in an instant how not at all in control I am. And I saw the same fear in Nels’ eyes.
Sure, I choose the bed time for my children. I fill their plates and pick their clothes. I teach them the words they know, the games they play. But in that moment, while he was screaming and shaking on my lap, the fear so evident in his wide and panicked eyes, I felt how powerless I really am. I felt completely dependent on the Giver of Life who gave Hudson breath and sustains him today. There was no way for Hudson to explain to me where he hurt or what he was afraid of and there was even less that I knew to do that could help him. So daddy and I held our baby boy and rocked him and prayed for God to protect our little boy’s life, and to help him not to be afraid.
After some Tylenol and nursing and being held and rocked for quite a while, Hudson fell asleep in our bed, flailing and twitching enough to keep me awake and prayerful – but his body temperature was feeling cooler. I knew I should put him back in his crib in the other room and get some sleep, but all I could think about was wanting to feel that he was breathing.
We’re keeping an eye on him for today…and his big sister too, she seems to be a bit bothered by an ear in the last week. We’re all tired and grumpy and draggy today, but so so thankful. I may feel shaken and a little scared, but I’ve been powerfully reminded that God is the one who holds all things together, and He is the one to whom my children belong.
I’m thankful that He loves them (incredibly) even more than I am able to, and that He is in perfect control of every detail of their precious lives.