no, i’m not pregnant.
this morning i dropped three of my five classes. now i’ll be taking six credit hours instead of fifteen. why? thats a good question. and its why i decided to write this post…to remind myself when i am wondering!
1 – we have too much stress in our lives right now. nels is working three jobs and is a full time student on top of that…granted, they aren’t full time jobs, but with four things to manage, his life is hectic. usually our home has been a place of refreshment and rest for him, giving him the strength and energy he needs to provide for our family and serve the Lord. since i have been so busy in school, our home has been more chaotic. he comes home and i’m exhausted, frustrated with the baby, and not really focused on creating an atmosphere of rest. we are both emotionally and physically exhausted from keeping up with too busy a schedule. on paper, it looks like it works out. but when you throw in the “unexpecteds” – company, car troubles, doctor appointments, etc. – we are just barely getting by. it’s kind of miserable and we want our life back.
2 – it isn’t our priority right now. nels is in school headed toward the chaplaincy. we believe it is his job to support our family and to lead in ministry, and that is where God has called us. working towards that goal needs to be our priority as a family. would it be nice to finish my degree? yes it would. is it necessary? not really.
3 – my relationship with kaya needs improvement. i’ve had no energy for her lately. energy enough to keep her alive and healthy, yes. energy enough to build a relationship with her, to teach her, to enjoy her? no. some may look at my life and think i did everything backwards…people may say that i should have finished my degree, then got married, then had a baby. but i believe that God has led me this far. there have been no decisions that were made without much prayer put into them first. and kaya – well, she was just a surprise blessing. 🙂 i love school and the rigor, challenge and sharpening that it brings. i hope that as long as we live anywhere near a good seminary that i can take at least a class or two to continue to grow. but right now if i were to continue as a full time student it would be out of motivation for human applause and accolade, or out of prideful ambition.
this is not an easy decision for me. i have had a lot of my identity wrapped up in being a good student for pretty much my entire life. now God calls me to a different track, a different focus…i need to be available to serve my husband and train up my daughter, and i am just not able to do that whole heartedly while i am also pursuing a degree.
i fear that i may be a disappointment to some of my family, professors, friends, etc. but i would rather be a disappointment to them than to the Lord who has called me to follow Him.
Lord, help me to be faithful.
(people have asked if i am dropping these classes for financial reasons, which is just not the case. its actually a “foolish” financial decision if you look at it that way, because i will not be getting full refunds for these classes and have purchased textbooks that i cannot return. but my husband is passionate enough about me staying home that he has been willing to sell off his cattle to make it happen – which, if you know anything about him, is a very big deal…:P)