turmoil&tears

All of my assignments for the semester are written in my new planner.

I had a wonderful afternoon paging through my syllabi, writing down important dates and reading about papers and projects due in the coming months.

How exhilarating to feel like a student again!

…Out for coffee with my laptop and a stack of books…Ahhhh…

And then came tonight. A torrential downpour of tears. No peace. No joy. Confusion. Fear. Humility? Dependence? Trust?

I have a million questions. Most of them unanswered. Or have they been answered and I’m just not ready to accept it?

Why, Lord? But…what if? What if I regret it for the rest of my life? What if I feel unfulfilled? What if I don’t live up to my potential? Whose idea of “my potential” am I even talking about? What if I am ashamed? I might feel stupid. What if they look at me and shake their head? Is this a sacrifice you require of me? Will you please make it clear? I’ve never felt so torn before, Lord.

School resumes Monday.

I’m not sure if I’ll be going or not.

Yes, I’m enrolled. Books bought, paperwork in, fees paid.

Babysitter lined up, schedule outlined.

…but here I am, shaking, crying.

I’m not lazy. I’m not afraid that my baby will be overlooked. I’m not incapable of finishing. I have only 3 semesters left.

Isn’t now the time? I love school. I love learning. It excites me to the core.

I don’t care about it at all. I feel sick thinking about it. Everything that matters to me will be pushed aside.

God gave me a desire for this. People have poured time and money into me – encouraged me to study, said “You have incredible potential. You should pursue this.”

For what? Nothing that I care about.

But yesterday, after praying about it, I felt like I had the “go ahead.”

“When he had called the people to Himself, with His disciples also, He said to them, ‘Whoever desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake and the gospel’s will save it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul?'”

What does this mean in my life, next week?

Take my life and let it be consecrated, Lord, to Thee.

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7 thoughts on “turmoil&tears

  1. Jordan, though I’m not at all sure what is occuring in you, in this I know: you are His and He is with you. You are in His will and His plan. This can be seen in so many things in your life. Such as the beautiful family He has provided for you. It is so easy to be overwhelmed and as I have had such times, I remember Elizabeth Elliott saying that as she had these times (even in her devout life for Him) she would remember that all that is required is to “do the next thing”. I hope this helps you as it has helped me. It is so simple and so do-able. Psalms 3:5-7 is one of my favorites and speaks volumes. Love you Jordie and I will armor you in prayer. Gma Kris

  2. Ah, my sister. Not quite “Your Best Life Now”, huh? Herein is the reality of the life of a genuine disciple of Christ as opposed to the “what’s in it for me” heresies promoted by Osteen and all the rest of the health/wealth/prosperity heretics…”In this world you will have tribulation,” is the counsel of the Word. “Consider it all joy when (not “if”) you encounter various trials,” “exult in your tribulation” and so much more.
    Why this buffetting in your life now? I have no idea. I echo Gma Kris’ words above; you’ve prayed, sought counsel, planned, have your husband’s support…it would “seem” that it is time…but….
    One of my favorite scriptural descriptions of our Lord is that He is the “One who opens doors that no man can shut, and shuts doors that no man can open.”
    It sure “seems” that He has opened this door for education-with-a-purpose; not simply a typical American desire for a stupid piece of paper; but a desire to be equipped to do His plan for your life…

    But I am praying and will pray that, as you get rest in Him and rest in sleep, that His way is crystal clear…not the whole nine yards, but the next “step” on His path for you.

    And, you know what, no matter how deep the confusion, no matter even if you end up making the “wrong” choice…our sanctified “ace-in-the-hole” is Romans 8.28. Granted, that verse is a whole lot easier to quote to someone else…but it remains true…

  3. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life (or finishing my degree!) or by death (or being done with school!). For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.

    Thanks so much for your prayers. I am grateful that sleep finally came last night.

  4. I know we don’t really “know” each other, but I check your blog on occassion and I really appreciate your narrative and heart. Wanted you to know I’ve been praying for you in this decision. I know it is difficult and it can cause your heart/mind to do crazy flip-flop things. I will pray for peace and confidence in whatever you decide.

  5. Thank you so much, Laura! I enjoy your blog from time to time as well. šŸ™‚ Your family is adorable. Thank you so much for your prayers.

  6. Jordan <3,
    Even though you wrote this last August, it was still very insightful for me to read about a journey you've been through. I'm proud of you.
    With love, Nora }Y{

  7. Pingback: on the peace of coming to decision | jordan cristine | a day in the life

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