All of my assignments for the semester are written in my new planner.
I had a wonderful afternoon paging through my syllabi, writing down important dates and reading about papers and projects due in the coming months.
How exhilarating to feel like a student again!
…Out for coffee with my laptop and a stack of books…Ahhhh…
And then came tonight. A torrential downpour of tears. No peace. No joy. Confusion. Fear. Humility? Dependence? Trust?
I have a million questions. Most of them unanswered. Or have they been answered and I’m just not ready to accept it?
Why, Lord? But…what if? What if I regret it for the rest of my life? What if I feel unfulfilled? What if I don’t live up to my potential? Whose idea of “my potential” am I even talking about? What if I am ashamed? I might feel stupid. What if they look at me and shake their head? Is this a sacrifice you require of me? Will you please make it clear? I’ve never felt so torn before, Lord.
School resumes Monday.
I’m not sure if I’ll be going or not.
Yes, I’m enrolled. Books bought, paperwork in, fees paid.
Babysitter lined up, schedule outlined.
…but here I am, shaking, crying.
I’m not lazy. I’m not afraid that my baby will be overlooked. I’m not incapable of finishing. I have only 3 semesters left.
Isn’t now the time? I love school. I love learning. It excites me to the core.
I don’t care about it at all. I feel sick thinking about it. Everything that matters to me will be pushed aside.
God gave me a desire for this. People have poured time and money into me – encouraged me to study, said “You have incredible potential. You should pursue this.”
For what? Nothing that I care about.
But yesterday, after praying about it, I felt like I had the “go ahead.”
“When he had called the people to Himself, with His disciples also, He said to them, ‘Whoever desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake and the gospel’s will save it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul?'”
What does this mean in my life, next week?
Take my life and let it be consecrated, Lord, to Thee.