My husband has been gone for about three hours now. I miss him. I’m trying to keep my mind off the coming two weeks without him, but I feel kind of silly trying to stay busy even late at night. It was hard putting the baby to bed since Nels wasn’t waiting for me in the living room. He’s only gone for two weeks, right? And yet even when he has two-day drills I have panicky flashbacks to when I was a newly wed who had moved back in with my parents, was dehydrated from vomiting, sick, pregnant, scared, and unable to get through to my husband on the phone and unsure of when he would have free time to call again. When I’m not recalling that, I have a dread of probable future deployments. Nels says that we should plan on him being deployed to Iraq or Afghanistan for at least a year… I can barely have a conversation about it that doesn’t end in hysterical crying. So, generally I blissfully ignore all these thoughts.
I know that God can and will sustain me, Nels, our marriage and our family…I know I am growing closer to Him because of this! But it is unbearably hard to think about separation and all that it entails sometimes. Nels is my buddy, my love. I have given my life to him and to God. It is so hard to be apart.
Jesus us commands us to go! But this time it’s Nels going and me staying and supporting from afar…that is the hardest thing for me.
On occasion, God lifts me out of my emotional state (is it self-pity? I hope not…and if so, I pray I won’t wallow there!) and reminds me that there is something much larger and more wonderful going on here…in all of this He is molding and shaping us and using all things for His glory.
But tonight I am sad and missing my husband…so, I will busy myself dreaming of yummy things to make with our soon-ripening tomatoes, cleaning, reading and listening to the same station Nels is (ha!)…and will probably fall asleep reading the Psalms and hugging my teddy bear & tickle blankie (yes, I have a tickle blankie, and yes, I know, I’m pathetic…). 😉
Father, grow my faith and be my nearest Friend. ❤