blow my mind…again.

Being a mom has been a totally mind blowing thing for me.

I mean, a) I’m 21 and have stretch marks (!) – sick! (and i DON’T mean that in the ‘rad’ sense that my larger-than-lifely-awesome cousins would mean ‘sick!’, and b) our 1-year anniversary is coming up next week and we’ll have a 3-month old (!).

I am a mom. I have a baby! A sweet baby girl – how terrifying. As someone who had a super rocky relationship with my mom for most of my growing-up years, when we found out at our 20-week ultrasound that we were having a girl, I bawledddd. Why? Because she’ll HATE me, of course! And I cannot handle giving up my body and a large portion of my (young adult) life and beyond for her only to be treated like *insert expletive here*…uhm, not really…but I made my mom cry more nights than not through all four years of highschool…

Anyways! All that is really beside the point. I had a difficult relationship with my mom until really recently, and until really recently I thought it would probably be inevitable that having a little girl would make me want to jump off a large bridge.

I was wrong.

Kaya is 11 weeks old and has her first baby cold. I’ve been feeling pretty crummy as well, and that has meant lots of cuddling and time at home together this week. Yesterday I put her down for her nap and when I put her pacifier in her mouth, she grabbed my hand with both of her chubby little hands and held it to her chest and just gazed up at me with the most loving, intent look. She sucked away on her pink little paci and just looked at me contentedly. I almost cried.

And GOD has been so good to me! I really thought I would hate so many things about being a mom. For months I resented the fact that I had to take on so much responsibility at a young age. From the day I peed on the cheap-o pregnancy test and prayed that it was wrong, I felt intense agony over my impending lameness and all things minivan-related. One thing I totally dreaded was breastfeeding. I mean holy COW – SICK SICK SICK! And yet, God made the way smooth! Kaya was in the newborn intensive care unit for the first few days after she was born and so the only time she was outside the incubator (and the only time that I really got to hold her) was when it was time to feed her. I treasured our time together and it was the absolute highlight of each day for that first week.

I’m sure we have many epic battles ahead. I’m sure that there will be days that I’ll feel like jumping off a large bridge. But I am SO GRATEFUL for my baby girl and I AM SOOOOOOOOO in LOVE with her! It’s becoming more and more obvious every day that she is not a little midget version of me. She has her own personality, interests, tastes, etc. She is her own beautiful little person and God has made her quieter and more introverted than me. I think she may even have a longer attention span than I do…:P It’s possible that my relationship with her will not be a terrible replay of my relationship with my mom (I can only pray!).

So Happy First Easter, Ky Ky! Mommy loves you….

I think you are the BEST in the whole wide world, little chump….

And I’m praying that God will make me a wonderful mommy.

❤ ❤ ❤