In Need of a Change of Heart…again.

I’m desperate for something…what? I am not sure. Mostly a change of my own heart, I think.

{john 5:24}“Truly, truly, I say to you, he who hears My word, and believes Him who sent Me, has eternal life, and does not come into judgment, but has passed out of death into life.” I love these words of hope and life. They should make my heart sing. Not so this morning. What is this sadness? Why is my soul downcast within me?

Nels’ sweet mother gave me a book called “Let Me Be A Woman” by Elisabeth Elliot. I started it this morning. It seems like it will be a good read – as are most of Elliot’s works. I remember many times when I was growing up that I was absolutely irrate that God had made me a girl – beginning with the moment I realized that it meant I would never play football for the Huskers – every Nebraskan baby’s dream. 🙂 What is it about my mind that bristles and almost is angry hearing the word “womanhood”? Again…heart change necessary here, I believe.

Jealousy. It used to irritate me to no end. Now, ironically, the tables have turned. I am senselessly jealous and irritated by my own sensitivity in this area. Being this way is repulsive to me. Abba! Change my heart.

Yesterday when people passed by and asked with a smile, “how are you today?” I felt like such a poser with my fake silly half-grin nodding and saying “Well, thank you – and you?” I really hate mindless pleasantries. But how could I explain? What words would suffice? Who could listen and understand? Who would care to know? Even if all these hurdles were conquered – to what avail would it be? Who could change my heart? I know of One.

I don’t feel like eating, but I will. I don’t feel like smiling, but I will. I don’t feel like much of anything – but I will wait on the Lord who will renew my strength.

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One thought on “In Need of a Change of Heart…again.

  1. Isn’t that irritating that we, girls, have to go through that face of accepting and changing into responsible wife and probably future mother, and guys do nothing?? Well at least they don’t let us know that. So many times I am ready to tell Jakub to change him for a change, or to strech himself just as I do many times for him. Why do we have such a need of helping others, our marriage etc and we are so able to sacrifice ourselves? Why guys don’t do that? I guess God made us in such a way that after some time we will be ok with sacrificing ourselves for them… but… I hope he makes guys to the same!!:)
    I love You. Me and Jakub almost broked up before the wedding, the pressure etc. You know, some say that the first six months is the hardest etc. we had it before the wedding. we still have it but.. I think God is showing us if we are able to work our relationship when there is no positive things about the relationship…
    But God is good… You are on my mind all the time… hugs…

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